by Devina Gunawan
It isn’t my place to punish. The universe has its own system and its own rules. Karma exists.
Those are the exact words that I repeat to myself every morning, trying my very best to not manipulate or sabotage.
But what if someone has hurt me so badly, scarred me so deeply, and left me stranded? What if hatred grew on me, anger nested in my heart, and revenge echoed in my head?
What if I just have to do something to get rid of it all? What if the only thing imaginable is to actually watch the person suffer in front of me?
Even at the cost of my own heart and humanity.
Sometimes, it is the hardest thing to let the universe do its work. It is hard to let go of what we can’t control. It is hard to let the matters slip out of our hands.
We want to feel something, to feel empowered, after feeling crushed and stepped on. Sometimes we want to have the feeling of worth, that we are more than the broken pieces of smeared glass that those haters were stepping all over. We want to be the ones who got the last laugh. We want to prove ourselves. That we weren’t stupid. That they weren’t the only ones capable of ruining someone’s, our lives.
And sometimes we can’t wait for karma. We simply can’t wait.
Perhaps it is the core of evil, the source of black magic, and the dark spot in our hearts. It is a disability, a weakness, and our grim. But we desire it.
To get it we will do a lot of things. We abandon love, compassion, and the purity of our hearts. We walk away from happiness, gayly towards the misery we so believe to be our five seconds of joy.
Five seconds of satisfaction. The recognition of power. The simple “I win.”
And no matter how horrible that sounds, I want it all. I want the feeling of being on top, after having my corpse thrown over a cliff. I want the power, the control that I lost the moment my heart was stabbed. I want to look into the eyes of my nemesis and smile. Because I have won.
People will tell me, “It won’t give you back the life that you lost. It won’t give you back the things you have missed.”
But I don’t want those. I just want the five seconds of power. I want the intoxicating air of victory. I want the short lived moment of justice.
I want what can replace my days of crying and hoping that life would end. I want something, even if it only lasts five seconds and doesn’t do much afterwards. I want a glimpse of joy, a beautiful view of strength, and a selfish claim of self worth.
Is it wrong?
It is. I don’t think that revenge will serve you any good. But again, when my darkest moment arrives, there’s nothing I want more.
I am human, after all. I don’t digest everything the way angels do. And even angels can fall.