The Lonely Walker

by Devina Gunawan

Perhaps it was pride. Perhaps it was the last bit of myself I would like to save. Perhaps it was my unwillingness to let my walls down.

Perhaps it was all of them.

But when people asked, “Why did you never tell us about your problems?”

I could only shrug.

I had no idea. I simply had no clue how to answer that one particular question.

For some reason, I believed that it was better for people to think of me as lazy in my mediocre life, than hard working in my mediocre life. Wouldn’t it be less embarrassing when people thought you never tried and that was why you failed.. rather than have people think that you have tried your best and you still failed?

Due to that thinking, I simply do not share with others- not even those closest to me -what I struggle with.

I do not let them know what I am working on, or how hard I work on it. I do not tell them a single thing.

With the hope that, well, someday they will just stop asking.

Perhaps I am too much of an individualist. Perhaps a soloist. Or perhaps I just have too much pride.

But having people think of me as a lazy brat seems like a much better option than a hard working girl who never gets what she wants. Right? Maybe it’s just me.

Unfortunately though, this view of mine leads to people believing that I do not care enough to share my pain with them. That I hide things away from the world. That I keep so much to myself.

For a starter though, I do have a blog in which I write religiously. That is sharing, ahah.

But apparently, the world expects you to be some kind of… vulnerable. The world wants you to open up about your pain and cry in public. Sometimes they will judge you for doing so, but if you don’t, you will be the heartless person who never understands how to open up.

So open up and they will judge, hide and they will judge. There is certainly no right or wrong approach to this.

I personally believe that if it is my own battle, I will fight it alone. I am not going to waste any of anybody’s time to talk about it and dwell on it, and I am not going to beg for anyone to come rescue me.

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