by Devina Gunawan
I have more than one hot best friend, and it is killing me.
Once, I had this guy friend who was beyond gorgeous. He was supermodel type and girls were after him. I was the lucky one they considered to be his girlfriend, only because they did not know that he was gay.
Well, I was, on the other hand, hoping he wasn’t gay. I was praying every night for… a year? That somehow he could turn straight or at least bi, and perhaps he could fall in love with me.
It was like torture hanging out with him so often and looking into his beautiful eyes, knowing that what he saw in me was not what I wanted. I wanted more, so badly, but I knew that even though he was my type, I was definitely not his.
I also had a friend whose personality matched mine perfectly. We were like two peas in a pod. We were so alike it was fantastic. I could read his mind and he mine. However, we were dating different people back then.
Afterwards, he got into a breakup and he decided to turn his life around. He got hot. Hot meaning just my type.
However, considering the history of our incredible friendship, I decided to stay clear, out of weird drama. Sometimes though, I still wonder, “What if?”
There was this one girl who was an artist and could connect with me due to the similar art interest. She was gorgeous, and just my type. Unfortunately, she already had a long term boyfriend, and at that time, I was in a relationship as well.
However, it killed me every time when we sat down at Starbucks, face to face, and I had to look at her beautiful face knowing that that was all I could ever have.
It definitely helped me enjoy the moments, and it definitely killed off my hope of ever finding true love.
But the ugly truth about crushing on your best friend is that sometimes, you don’t want to risk it.
It is easier to just date someone who hasn’t been around that long, who doesn’t know and memorize your past dating history, who has no clue on what you do with your life, etc. Someone who won’t easily tell you how badly you screw up or how badly you need to diet.
Because then when things don’t work out, you don’t feel bad. Because it’s just someone you date.
Not your best friend.
So you keep it to yourself, and you don’t tell him or her how you feel. It’s just rotting inside and you hope that maybe, just maybe, your best friend feels the same way and that one day you two will be able to work it out.
But a lot of the times, we don’t get that luxury. A lot of the times, things stay the way they are. Especially when it’s one sided.
So maybe it’s better to be best friends with someone who isn’t your type. Someone who doesn’t look like the dream partner you used to daydream about when you were going through puberty, or someone who doesn’t look like the TV character you had a crush on for several years.
And perhaps it’s just inevitable.
Perhaps spending so much time with someone just clears up our expectations and dreams of our special someone and shape it into our best friend. Perhaps, because we know we can’t live without them, we turn them into our type.
Perhaps, it’s not just physical. Perhaps it’s much more than that.
And perhaps, it is just our consciousness telling us that yes, friendship is the beginning of it all.
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