Thou shan’t ask for love advice from thy friends when… 

By Devina Gunawan

1. Your friend is building up career. 

Don’t disturb them. Chances are they are lacking sleep and haven’t even seen any episode of their favorite tv shows in weeks. Even worse, months. Their time is beyond precious and if you’re the type who repeats questions and rants nonstop, please, please, please leave them alone.

Personal experience: once I had a project which kept me insanely busy for three months. I had three hours of sleep a day max, ate when I remembered, and didn’t get a chance to watch TV or go out at all. One day my best friend talked about his love life problems in an endless cycle for three hours and it was 2 am when I lost my cool, went, “I can’t,” and hung up.

2. Your friend just got out of a messy breakup. 

Okay. Even if this person is the ultimate relationship master, he or she still needs to mourn and grieve and just be depressed. Losing love to a messy breakup is difficult. Don’t try to pull a mojo and tell them what to do or what to feel. Don’t ask them questions on how to deal with yours. Don’t even talk about your love problems unless they ask. At least you still have a partner you’re arguing with.

3. Your friend is a coffee addict and hasn’t had coffee. 

Don’t. Don’t.

Just don’t.

Buy them a cup of coffee, let them take a sip, and then you can start talking.

4. Your friend is working. 

It can be a school project, homework, or writing a nice email to their parents, just wait until they are done and can focus on your question. They won’t be listening, and if they are, your information is just passing by.

5. Your friend has debts. 

When someone’s got bills to pay, love isn’t a priority. Chances are, they will say something like, “Love won’t pay the bills.” Their mind will not be where you want it to. They will be counting money while you talk about your problems and they will give you an easy solution, which is potentially dumb, just to get rid of you.

6. Your friend is in love. 

When everything is rainbow and butterflies, your love problems look like vomit. They will give you the wise words of “Love always wins,” and “If it’s true love, it’ll eventually work out.”

Well, you know it’s not true, and you will just leave feeling annoyed because you won’t get what you need.

I was in a messy argument with a boyfriend few years back, and I asked one of my closest friends for an advice. He just started a relationship, and he was all happy and cheery about everything. His words were, “You two will get through it. Take it from me, we talk things out all the time and we love each other so much everything ends up well.” You can probably guess that about a year later, his words changed completely. He grew bitter and angry in his relationship, but hey, go back few years and it was all different. Why? Because when we’re in love, we are too happy and don’t think clearly.

7. Your friend is asleep. 

Please, don’t be one of those people who wake their friends up in the early AMs. Sometimes, sleep is the best thing in the world. It is the cure to everything, and do not take that away from people. Imagine your friend calling you at 2AM asking you, “Do you think my girlfriend is bored of me?”

NO! Nobody is thinking about your love life at 2 AM! If, you are stuck in an urgent situation like, “My partner just hit me and I can’t stay in this apartment any longer. Can you pick me up now? I don’t feel safe here,” then, yes! We the good friends will get up, drive, and pick you up right away! But if it’s you assuming that your partner is bored, or if you are worried that your partner is seeing someone else and you’re wondering what to do, please get some sleep and wait until it is at least 7 AM.

8. You and you friend are watching a movie. 

It isn’t fun when you turn to your friend during a scene that reminds you of your love life and say, “Dude, this is breaking my heart. You won’t believe what Lee did today. Can you believe that Lee called me selfish?”

Yes, we can believe that. Especially if you dare to steal a movie time for personal time. Just wait until the movie is over, then cry all you want. At this time, if your friend responds, chances are, it will turn into an emotional talk (one sided, on your part) and you might get kicked out from the theater.

9. You’re dating your friend’s ex. 

“Hey, so Sam hasn’t answered my calls for two days now, what do you think is going on? You should know, you two dated before.”

N-O, NO! It’s a different story if your friend and your current partner broke up on good terms and they were more friends than lovers before, but if it was a sad breakup and your friend was hurt, then don’t ever bother!

10. Your friend is your partner’s sibling. 

How awkward would it be if my sister’s boyfriend were my best friend? Actually, it happened once. One of my close friends dated my sister, and I ended up being the middle person going back and forth, delivering messages.

But everything would be very biased. First and foremost, the person you’re seeing is their sibling. The first instinct would be to protect their sibling, from predators (like you, maybe). So don’t be surprised if your friend defends your partner. And don’t be surprised if you get blamed or if your friend gets mad at you for hurting your partner.

11. Your friend is having relationship problem as well. 

This is what will happen: “Oh my gosh! I know! I’ve had the same problem too!” And you two will bond even more by trash talking your partners. You will be mad together, be upset together, and grow more and more upset together with your respective partners.

Will you get the advice you need? No. You will get encouragement to feel justified and right, and to be mad. This will be more of an emotional release than it is of a counseling.

12. You do not listen to what your friend says.

I have this one friend, and please do not be this kind. He thinks he knows best. How many relationships has he been in? Probably one. And he thinks, he knows best from watching movies and hearing other people’s stories.

So he calls and asks for love advice from his best friends, but never takes the advice. He just wants to vent out, I suppose, but if that is the case, then do not ask, “What should I do?” or “What do you think?”

People do not have enough time in the world to give you an hour long of advice just so that you can ignore it. It is your right to either take or leave it, but if you are this type, the no-way-in-hell-will-I-listen type, then spare your friends and just don’t ask for advice.

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