by Devina Gunawan
A few days back my close friend told me that I wasn’t the type of woman most men would want to be with.
“You are scary,” he said, and possibly, that was a nicer way to describe me.
It hit me, hard, and I think I cried a little. It was definitely a cut, and I could not ignore it.
I have my ambitions and my goals, and on top of that, everyone knows I’m a feminist. So it makes sense that to a lot of men, I am not a dream, but nightmare.
The big question however is that, will I ever want to change?
And if so, for what reason? To have better chance in finding love?
Those who know me probably know exactly what my answer to that is: NO.
I have lived most of my life trying to not fully embrace myself. I had to deny myself access to actually let go and live the way I want to, to express my thoughts and ideas freely, and just to be one with my passion.
And after finally coming to terms with myself and falling in love with the freedom in being able to be myself, there is no way that I will ever go back just for the sake of having a man fall in love with and choose me.
If I change for a chance of romance, what does it say about my love for myself?
First and foremost, you are your true love.
Before you can love yourself, how do you expect yourself to love others?
And if you deny yourself the rights to be simply you, do you think you are still loving yourself to the fullest?
There will always be people telling me, “If you dress that way, how do you expect anyone to fall in love with you?”
Well, to them I will say, “I don’t.”
I do not expect anyone to fall in love with me. I expect myself to fall in love with me.
I do not live to please others, but I do want to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and not hate the person I see. I do not want to wake up next to a trophy husband one day, and then look in the mirror and think, “Who is this lady I see before me?”
Do you know how expensive the price one has to pay to love herself?
Do you know how dark it is being drowned in unspoken, unexpressed feelings and ideas? How painful it is to be with a partner and try to adjust yourself so that you can be the person he might love?
When it is not who you are and what you want?
Maybe it is true, that some people need to change for the better, not only for love but for themselves. Well, if I were an alcoholic, I’d gladly go to rehab. If I were a crack addict, I’d gladly go to rehab. If I were a smoker, I’d gladly refuse myself cigarettes and train myself to not lose control.
But to not be me? To not be this expressive, sarcastic woman who challenges a lot of norms – how can I ever do that?
I do not see myself as a piece of hell. What I am is not sinful. It is challenging, in many ways, but not sinful. I may be crazy, but I am a good person, and this is based on many definitions of “good person.”
And if being a good person is not enough to have men consider me a romantic partner, then that is fine. Sometimes it is necessary for people to feel like they are in control, that they have power. And when facing a woman like me, plenty back off.
Still, that is not enough to make me want to change myself.
It simply isn’t.
I wake up every morning and look in the mirror to find a young woman I’ve set free. And I love her. If no one wants to love her, at the very least, I do.
And if I love that girl that much, why would I ever want her to change?
Would I want her to be miserable by trying to be someone else she isn’t? I don’t think so.
So here’s to me and to other women who feel the same way: We do not need to change. We don’t do anything wrong just because we are dominant and don’t let other people make our decisions or decide what kind of people we should be.
I certainly won’t change, no matter how bad the whole romance thing goes. If it goes down the sewer, then let it be.
My first and true love shall always be myself, and that is the romance I deserve.
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