Stages of Being the Drunk Dialed Friend 

I’m not saying your names anywhere in this, so don’t you worry. 

But someday, someday, my friends, you’ll answer my big question of: “Why me? What did I ever do to you that you trust me this much?” 

Maybe the gods hate me. 

1. The stage of early morning rise. 

It’s… 1 am. Why is she calling? Does she need a ride home or something? I can get her uber.. 

2. The concern. 

Hello? Are you okay? Why are you calling this late? Are you crying? Where are you? Why is it so loud? Are you with people?

3. The stutter and jumbled words on the other end. 

Heeeeeeyyyyy!!!! Oh my gosh I miss you sooooo much!!! You know I a little had drunken. Some beer like a cup, two, ahaha, ah so much beer. Beer. Beers. And I missss himmm. Why he left? Why he me broke? Hold me! 

Sometimes, this jumps straight to confession. Of things you never want to hear.

4. The confusion. 

Because you’re trying to understand what the person is saying… Or blurting out. 

So how are you? How are you?! Are you homey my sweet tea? Hold me! Cuddle with me! I be dancing but I puke the floor such a mess…a mess….ran away fell tripped.

5. The realization that the person is drunk. 
Like, really. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out this:

I am sooooooo wasteedd!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!

 It could also be some disorder, maybe stroke, but that statement says it all. 

6. The realization that you’re stuck on this call because you’re a good friend. 

I mean, what if something bad happens because you hang up and your friend decides to do something stupid? 

It ain’t on you, but your sober self should be concerned.

7. The guide stage. 

Alright. You got everything? Your wallet and keys are with you? Good. Got on the bus? Alright. Don’t close your eyes. Keep your eyes open and make sure you get off at the right stop. No…45 isn’t your unit. It’s the last one. Keep going. Alright you’re home? Safe? Cool.

Or this could also be the time when you got even more worried, especially when your friend hung up without telling you what was going on. If you care enough, this might worry you. 

It depends though. When I know my friend is in good company, I just go back to sleep when she hangs up. 

8. The hang up. 

Now you can go back to sleep and forget whatever shit your friend said on the call. Remember, she or he wasn’t on the right mind. Forget the strange confession you weren’t meant to hear if she had been sober. 

9. The noon call of apologies. 

I saw that I called you last night for half an hour? I’m so sorry!

….So did I say anything I should regret?

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