Fifty Shades of Grey: Love Hurts, Physically

In the face of true madness, you walk away. Or, you should. But, in the name of perseverance, you stay.

That’s what I did with this movie. What a fool.

We meet Christian Grey, a perfect, handsome, multi talented billionaire (yes, he’s that loaded) who fancies Anastasia “Ana” Steele, an English lit, 4.0 GPA, soft spoken girl. For I don’t know why, really.

Then he starts following her around and spending some time with her, courting her in a way. Until, she reveals that she’s a romantic, and there he goes out quoting Edward Cullen. “Stay away from me. I’m not the man you want.” Or something like that.

Ana is confused, of course, and more confused when she finds an expensive gift from Christian after that. “Does he want me, does he not?” thought crosses her mind.

So Ana and her best friend Kate go out partying and Ana, being a mature, independent girl that she is… decides to call Christian and in a very not so drunk way (act, girl!), complains about his fickle nature.

Worried Christian is then on his way to pick her up, and arrives just in time to watch Ana trying to get away from an old friend who’s trying to kiss her. Why? I don’t know. The whole “finding the girl being harassed and saving her to prove her I care” plot is happening and I got a bit nauseated.

So does Ana, apparently, because she pukes all over herself afterwards.

The next morning, Ana wakes up to Christian, who gives off this serial killer vibe and for some reason doesn’t scare her at all. Then before he drops her off home, he kisses her passionately. Because… chemistry?

Nah, that can’t be it.

Later on, Ana is swept off her feet on a helicopter ride (you got that right. Billionaire. Helicopter. Boom), and she loses her virginity to Christian that night. Christian then asks her to read through and sign a contract, one of “Dominant/Submissive” and purely sexual relationship with no romance.

For some time, Ana takes her time, doing some unappealing researches on “submissive” and ending up telling Christian “It was nice knowing you.”

So like a true gentleman, Christian breaks into her apartment and proves to her just how “nice” it was knowing him by tying her up and yea, you can guess the story.

The rest of the movie drags on with their very strange relationship, with Christian being a clingy stalker boyfriend and at the same time, distant. It’s basically two people who can’t make up their minds. Ana refuses to sign the contract while letting Christian do the deals he’s not supposed to have rights over, Christian keeps going back and forth from romancing Ana to just using her as a sex toy.

What do they want? Both are lonely, lost people who have scars and need healing (this is my way of making sense out of this toxic relationship). They’re each other’s worst nightmare and best help (NOPE).

In the end though, Ana decides to let Christian show her how “bad” he really is, after begging him nonstop to let her in. After some whipping, Ana is (suddenly) horrified and leaves Christian right away.

Is anyone sad? Mad? Broken?

You can’t tell.

I cheered twice: when Christian said, “I am fifty shades of fucked up,” and when the screen went black and nothing else happened.

It’s done. Hallelujah.

Now, what’s there to talk about?

This movie murdered my mind. It hurt so bad.

The plot line is very much that of Twilight. A normal girl who doesn’t think she’s pretty but attracts a lot of men’s attention meets an extraordinary guy with a dark side. He tells her to stay away, but he can’t stay away from her. She then asks him to let her in, which he reluctantly does. Then the girl falls for him and wants to be a “part” of his ridiculous life. Difference is that when Ana realizes she doesn’t want it she leaves, Bella stays the whole time and begs Edward to turn her every chance she got.

The acting is just as bland. Dakota and Jamie didn’t look happy or in love. They didn’t seem to enjoy the love making scene either, which is supposedly the meat of this movie. There’s no spark flying that can explain why on earth Christian Grey is stalking Ana and trying to make her his. No explanation at all. I could almost swear they hated each other, or just didn’t know how to act in love.

I’ll stop right there. It starts bringing back bad memories of the time I was watching this movie.

Fifty Shades of Grey got a 2/10 from me.

If you’re not on your right mind, go ahead and watch it. If you’re a reader, don’t read the books either, I don’t even want to know what I’m missing from not reading them. Do I recommend this to people? No.