I started to say something. You did ask. Telling me that at some point I had to open up and let you into my world.
The words came out slowly, and I tried to say everything as clearly as I could, digesting the fact that I was indeed giving this a chance. To let someone in for once.
Few hours later I came back to my apartment, exhausted and cold. I got myself into a warm shower and curled up under the pouring hot water, fully clothed, still letting everything sink in.
My tears froze, my whole body felt numb.
All I could remember, was you yelling, on top of your lungs. All I remembered that I did, were few soft spoken words that never fully found their meaning. All I ended up getting was a day wasted, fear checked in, and the harsh realization that nobody would ever know how I truly felt. Or what I truly thought of.
Few years later, I found myself terrified, silenced. You on the call, screaming and crying, blaming me for everything that had gone wrong.
There was never any chance for me to utter a single word, not few years back, not that one dark morning you decided to cut me open.
“Say something,” you told me.
But after years of being trained like a dog, to not utter a word. To not express how I truly felt. I could only sit in silence, and even my mind was quiet.
Then you hung up. And I knew it was the end.
I remember crying my heart out that day, wondering what crime had I committed that I had to pay so much. That I was punished this badly.
And I tried to speak. My mind, my heart tried to say a word. But nothing came out.
That night, I lied in bed, hugging myself and staring at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and for the first time in many years, the complete silence felt like comfort.
Had I said something when you asked for the last time, perhaps I’d be silenced for the rest of my life. But my silence that day was my step to my freedom.
Perhaps you’d seen what you’d done to me, perhaps I’d realized I had to fight for myself.
And for the first time in many years, I embraced what had been done to me and fell asleep peacefully.